I was recently asked, “I’m in a relationship with someone who seems to be emotionally unavailable. Can I get him to change?” Here is my response.
It’s important to be clear about what you mean by “emotionally unavailable” as that term can cover a lot of territory.
For example, it might refer to someone who is reluctant, evasive or defensive about their feelings. Perhaps they are shy or even unaware of what they are actually feeling in any given moment. Or maybe they deflect any discussion of their emotions with anger and hostility towards anyone who dares to ask them about their feelings. Or perhaps they are good at “seeming” — seeming to be emotionally connected and available, but it’s only a façade which sooner or later crumbles.
It may also be the case that their feelings are so deeply buried that they are numb to them. This is common when someone is in active addiction. Addicts use alcohol, drugs or processes (like gambling or sex) to numb emotional discomfort or pain. Thus, addicts are by definition emotionally unavailable.
What’s important here is that it isn’t that the emotionally unavailable don’t have strong feelings or emotions, it’s that they don’t feel safe to show them or discuss them for any number of reasons, some of them very complex. In short, emotional vulnerability is not their thing.
So, if any of the above fits your situation, what to do with your emotionally unavailable love interest?
You have a choice
It seems to me that you have a clear choice – you can either accept this person as is or go your own way.
We have neither the right nor the power to change others to our liking. It’s not our job to fix other people. Besides, pushing them to be as you want them to be will not work. It will likely increase the opposite of what you are looking for – more deflection, more avoidance.
Sure, you might try to engage them conversationally about the issue, but don’t expect that your lover will be receptive. And, unless this conversation is carefully handled, it will probably only result in push-back.
Now shift the focus
So, my strong suggestion to you is to shift the focus from him to yourself.
I invite you to explore your need to be in relationship with someone who is emotionally shut down. Is there a payoff for you? You can do this exploration on your own and/or with professional help. There are many books and articles on this topic that you might read to get you started.
And here is something else for you to consider. In my experience, those who become involved with the emotionally unavailable are often suffering from the same condition.
Wittingly or otherwise, emotionally unavailable individuals seek out emotionally unavailable romantic partners as they are “safe” in the sense that such people don’t demand emotional intimacy from others.
Like tends to attract like.
