“My partner is loving but behaves rather immaturely. What should I do? Should I leave or go?” Here is my answer…
Immaturity can be defined in any number of ways, for example it can refer to a person who is childish, babyish, inexperienced, unsophisticated, unworldly or naïve. Or let’s just say, not grown up or very adult in their behavior.
Of course, what constitutes immaturity is in the eye of the beholder. What you might think is babyish or unsophisticated may not be viewed that way by someone else, especially not by the individual in question.
Yes. That’s right. Your partner might have a completely different view of themself.
Nonetheless, in my experience, people who arguably behave immaturely are people who have not been allowed to assume adult responsibilities. That’s likely because others have taken on those responsibilities for them. It is assumed, let’s say by their partner, that the “immature” person can’t or won’t do what’s required and so the partner believes that it is their job to fill the void.
As a result, the responsibility-takers often feel resentful, frustrated and disillusioned by this person’s so-called immaturity. They may even see themselves as victims. “Why do I have to do everything?”, they will ask.
Then, there is the “immature” partner’s perspective. They will more than likely see the responsibility-taker as bossy, controlling and demanding. Consequently they might build up a whole lot of resentments of their own.
If any of the above apply in your situation, my questions to you are these: Do you wish to be seen as bossy and controlling? Is this how you want to be in this relationship?
Assuming the answer is “no” on both counts, what do you do — especially if you love this person and want the best for them and yourself.
Task One: Understand that respectful relationships are the key
It’s important that you do your part in establishing a respectful, adult-to-adult relationship with your partner.
Healthy relationships are respectful ones, where each of you assumes that the other is both worthy and competent. You each have your strengths and qualities to bring to the relationship. Your partner’s strengths may be different than yours, but they are of equal value. Therefore, each of you makes room for the other to make a contribution to your lives together.
What this means for you is that, if you want your partner to grow and demonstrate their maturity, then you need to step back and allow that happen.
Here’s how you might go about it.
Task Two: Do your part in establishing a respectful, adult-to-adult relationship
- Step out of the parenting role. Don’t be either the boss or the subordinate in the relationship. If you want your partner to grow up, then don’t treat them like a child.
- Don’t fix or attempt to fix your partner. It’s not your job. Instead take a good hard look at yourself, seeing where you might make improvements in your own character and behavior.
- Let your partner assume responsibility for what’s theirs to do. If you keep taking over their responsibilities, your partner will not be able to grow or demonstrate their maturity. And leave room for failure. We all live and learn, don’t we?
- See your partner’s strengths and begin to appreciate them. Recall what you originally loved about this special person, what brought you together and place your focus there.
- Adjust your view of your partner. It may not be that they are immature. Rather, it may be that they just have a different way of being in the world – a way unlike yours, but still valid. You can then modify your expectations of them accordingly.
