“Small-minded people blame others. Average people blame themselves. The wise see all blame as foolishness.” Epictetus
You know the old saying, don’t you? “When you point your finger at someone, remember that there are three fingers pointing back at you.”
For me, that means that blaming others and criticising others are both self-serving and dishonest. Because none of us is perfect, none of us is qualified to point the finger at anyone for anything.
We all, with very few exceptions, play at least some small part in every situation where we think someone else is to blame.
The Consequences of Not Owning Our Part
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” Theodore Roosevelt
Of course, there are some who hold that having someone to blame for their mistakes, woes or suffering is a handy life management strategy. But ultimately, if we indulge in that fantasy, we discover that such a practice does not end well for us as it often results in our carrying the burden of resentments.
As a result, our emotional pain remains unresolved, and our resentments may further undermine our wellbeing.
How Resentments Affect Us
When we cannot let go of problem, when we continue to harbor resentment because we believe that another is to blame, then there are personal and interpersonal consequences. As a familiar adage reminds us, resentment is like drinking poison while expecting someone else to suffer.
Effects on Our Health
According to experts, for example John Hopkins Medicine, resentment harms our health by keeping the body in a chronic “fight-or-flight” stress state. This continuous release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline raises blood pressure, weakens the immune system, strains the heart, and disrupts sleep. Consequently, it increases the long-term risks for cardiovascular disease and, as well, results in severe mental distress.
Effects on Our Relationships
Carrying resentments can quietly shape almost every relationship in our lives. When we hold onto hurt, anger, or bitterness toward one person, those feelings often spill over into our interactions with others. We may become more defensive, less trusting, quicker to judge, or less willing to be vulnerable. Over time, resentment can cause distance and tension between partners and friends. It can erode intimacy and make it difficult to trust and work collaboratively.
Letting go of resentment does not mean excusing harmful behavior or forgetting what happened. Rather, it means releasing the emotional grip that the injury has on us so that it no longer controls us.
Therefore owning our part in it is a vital part of our journey to recovery.
Owning Our Part Lessens Our Pain and Repairs Relationships
“You will never become who you want to be if you keep blaming everyone else for who you are now.” John Spence
Even if we believe that the problem is someone else’s, we still need to own our 1%.
But what could be our 1%? Here are some possibilities:
- We may have kept silent as opposed to speaking up for ourselves.
- We may have had an expectation that we never communicated.
- We may have reacted with anger or sarcasm, thus increasing the likelihood of escalation of the situation.
- We may have ignored the warning signs, in other words “turned a blind eye”.
- We may have gossiped about or publicly criticized this person.
- We may have become resentful, secretly hoping that the “wrong-doer” would suffer.
A good way to uncover your own 1% is to ask yourself these questions:
- What did they do and what did I do? And…
- What did I fail to do and what will I do the next time?
By addressing these questions, we shift the focus from blame to growth. We also will have solidly placed our feet on the road to mental and emotional freedom.
