Recently I was asked to respond to this relationship dilemma: “He says he’s confused about his feelings for me.”
The questioner has been dating this person for some months and is well beyond the early getting-to-know-you phase. She would like to take this relationship to the next level – she would like to be in a committed relationship with this man; she wants a future with him.
In other words, she is in – hook, line and sinker.
And this, of course, is the crux of the problem – it’s become a one-sided relationship. She’s serious about him and he doesn’t know what or how he feels about her. As a result, she much more invested in this relationship than he is.
Now here’s a sad fact. One-sided relationships aren’t just unfulfilling, they can be full of suffering.
So I told her to look at it this way. While his lack of investment in the relationship is disappointing, even painful, she does have a choice. She can choose to escalate this disappointment to the level of suffering or she can choose another path.
Here are some suggestions to set her on different path.
Avoid the temptation to fix him
There will be a strong temptation to fix him, help him, even convince him that she is his best option. But what’s going on for him or not going on for him is really none of her business. His behavior, his choices, his state of mind are for him to sort out. So, hands off!
Attend to her own business
So, what is her business? Her behavior, her state of mind and her choices of course. Specifically, she can choose to continue to invest more and more into this relationship or she can call “time out”. During this period, while he’s doing his own sorting, her job is to figure out some important things for herself.
Know that she is worthy
Now this next bit is really important. Whatever she’s believed up to now, she needs to know that she is worthy of reciprocated love. Also she needs to know that she is more than this relationship and know that she is more than this disappointment. She should not choose to be defined by it.
Consider what she really needs and wants in a relationship
This is the perfect time for her to envision what she truly, deeply wants in a relationship. She should be expansive in her visioning. Then make it concrete by writing it down. This will become her guide in the days to come.
Be open to possibility
While living fully and joyfully in the present, look to the future. She needs to imagine being with someone with similar values, desires and needs as her. Someone who wants the same kind of future that she does. Someone who wants her unequivocally. This person may not be her usual sort of dating partner. He may look and sound differently from the guys she normally dates. He may not be her “type” but she needs to be open to possibility.
And she never knows what wonders will be in store for her.
