”We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” Winston Churchill
An often heard phrase in addiction recovery programs is that, if you want to keep what you’ve received through your program, namely sobriety, then you have to give it away. It means that you need to share the gifts of the program with others who also seek recovery. It’s a way of putting into bold letters the principles, insights and lessons learned in your recovery journey.
While there is a deep truth in that sentiment there are distinctions to be made between healthy giving and giving that is not necessarily beneficial for the giver or the receiver.
In other words, not all giving is good for us or the beneficiaries of our largesse.
Unhealthy Giving
“Healthy giving comes from a sense of completeness and not from neediness. Unhealthy giving comes from the reverse of that.”
Unhealthy giving is characterized by giving to receive something from the object of your giving. It might even be seen as an effort to control and/or manipulate the other person. It is giving with the subtext of expectations and even demands (e.g. “I’m giving you this and you better damn well be grateful.”). Its source is a “hole in the soul” that, despite our desperate attempts, nothing or no one can fill.
Juliette’s poison chalice
Juliette gives to receive but receive what? Consciously or unconsciously it seems, she desperately wants to receive approval, love, acceptance and favor. For example, she believes that if she “makes nice” she’ll “get nice” from her less than respectful partner. But it doesn’t seem to work out that way. As a result she feels even more anxious to please. When she gives her time, money or other gifts to friends and associates, and they do not respond as she wishes, then she gets angry and resentful. When her giving doesn’t result in gratitude and inclusion, then she believes she just needs to try harder. Her giving is obviously perceived as devious and others do not want a bar of it. Her giving is poisonous — for others and most especially for her.
Healthy Giving
“Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.” Robin Sharma
Healthy giving means that we share our material, spiritual and emotional gifts from a place of inner strength and not from neediness. And when we give, we genuinely do not seek anything in return. For the healthy giver the reward is in the giving, not the receiving. It’s giving and letting go. The healthy giver has a sense of themselves as basically okay, despite their human flaws and frailties.
Harry’s no-strings giving
Harry gives without expectation. He provides support of different kinds, including his time and service, to charities and community groups of various types. He is not a wealthy man yet he also gives financial support within his means anonymously. He likes to do kindnesses for neighbors and strangers without being found out. For example, on one occasion, he learned that a neighbor’s daughter needed money for schoolbooks and so he arranged through the school to pay for the books on the condition that he not be identified as the giver. His name and his face are never out there; he stays very much in the background of his giving. He neither expects nor wants anything in return, not even thanks. He gives with an open heart – no strings attached.
The Heart of Healthy Giving
“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.” Robert Louis Stevenson
Some of the essentials that go to the heart of healthy giving are illustrated in Harry’s story. In his story, we see him:
- Giving from the heart to ease another person’s hardship or pain and not for any other reason.
- Giving without expectation of thanks, love or advantage of any sort.
- Giving from a sense of wholeness – from a place of psychological and spiritual “enoughness”.
- Giving in order to empower others not to make them in any way dependent on the giver.
- Giving from a place of gratitude for the bounty in one’s own life – as a way of “paying it forward”.
When we stay within those bounds, our giving is a true gift both to the recipient and the giver.
