The Wounded Ego

The ego is the me, myself and I in each of us, meaning that our ego provides us with a sense of identity. Additionally:

The ego helps us to ascertain our self-worth and personal power;
The ego assists us to define our relationship to others and the world and
The ego helps us to discern what is real and what isn’t.

What is a wounded ego?

“Part of me suspects that I’m a loser, and the other part of me thinks I’m God Almighty.” John Lennon

The ego is a vitally needed part of us. However, it can become damaged through negative early life experiences – especially abuse and neglect. Or, for a very few of us, we are just born that way.

The wounded ego presents as fragile on one end of the scale all the way to narcissistically big on the other end of it.

If the ego is oversized, we become defensive by big-noting ourselves, in other words, by over-blowing our importance or achievements. If the ego is weak, we will likely feel totally diminished by others’ real or imagined rejection of us or negative opinions of us. Thus, the wounded ego may manifest as aggressive when threatened or submissive and emotionally manipulative.

But big or weak, when under threat, vigorously defending itself usually becomes the aim of the egoic game.

Two Stories

“Food for the ego is poison for the soul.” Donna Goddard

Carlo is a chronic people-pleaser. He learned in early life that, by doing what others expected of him or by anticipating what others needed or wanted of him, that he could avoid rejection and even punishment. His life is full of fear, particularly fear of being himself, if he even knows who he really is.

Camille hates being corrected. Even the mildest suggestion for improvement in her work can trigger her rage. Of course, she does not take into account how others perceive her as she is not concerned about forging reciprocal relationships. She only wants others to do her bidding and to stand in awe and admiration of her. You see, that’s the only way she can feel okay about herself.

What is a healthy ego?

“The weak are dominated by their ego, the wise dominate their ego, and the intelligent are in a constant struggle against their ego.” Hamza Yusuf

When the ego is healthy, It is strong. A strong ego is not submissive, nor is it overbearing or wholly self-interested.

A strong ego enables us to have a realistic view of ourselves, others and the world. All of that means that the strong ego is balanced and right-sized.

Here are some indicators of a healthy ego:

We are able to discern reality, accept it and then adjust ourselves to it.
We are able to establish appropriate boundaries between ourselves and others – we know what is ours to do and what is none of our business.
We are able to lead as well as to follow as well as to work collaboratively.
We are able to mediate between self-interest and others’ interests, while not prioritizing one over the other.
We are basically mentally and emotionally stable with a clear-eyed view of our situation. We neither exaggerate threats or under-react to genuine threats to our physical and emotional well-being.
We are able to step back and evaluate situations before we act, distinguishing between what is real and what is fantasy and then determining what might be the best response, if any.

Georgie Transforms Her Ego

Georgie has been on quite a journey. In early life she experienced a lot of difficulties due to the turmoil in her family of origin (her parents were both in active addiction). She became the family carer and rescuer. As she came into adulthood she decided that she did not want to repeat her family’s dysfunctional patterns. With the help of her own program of recovery as well as individual therapy she was able to transform her previously fragile ego into a strong one. Today, she does not engage in people-pleasing. She can comfortably say no to requests that violate her values or undermine her well-being or do not serve her legitimate needs. At the same time, family, friends and co-workers find her to be genuinely kindly and loving – someone whose presence adds value to their lives.