Obsessing Less & Loving More

“Obsession is not love.” Chintan Changole

So, you are preoccupied with your lover. Your thoughts constantly revolve around this person — their wishes, their wants. You place their needs before your own, if you even think about your own needs at all.

Or maybe your thoughts are incessantly focused on whether he or she is paying enough attention to you. So, you interpret every little action or non-action as a sign of their caring or rejection of you.

The upshot is that this relationship over-shadows almost everything else in your life.

Consequently, you are always on high alert. You believe that, if you weren’t vigilant, this person would somehow slip away from you. In that way, your vigilance serves as a kind of protection from what you construe as impending loss.

If any of the above describes your love relationship, then it is likely more about pain than it is about enjoyment. And relationships are meant to be enjoyed!

Then there is this: your intensive focus may have the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of drawing your lover closer to you, it may actually drive him or her away. Why? Because your lover will pick up the vibe no matter how well you try to mask it. Your fixation is not attractive. It is repelling.

However, there is a way to obsess less and enjoy your relationship and your life more, but it will require commitment on your part and a complete change of focus.

So, if you are committed and ready to step out of relationship pain and into relationship enjoyment, I would encourage you to:

♥ Figure out what’s behind your intense focus on your lover. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a ton of fear there. So, be curious about what the fear is about? Then challenge the reality of the fear. Or, is your fixation on your lover a distraction from other issues or problems in your life that require your attention? If so, it’s time to address them.

♥ Switch the focus. Focus on yourself first and foremost. Direct your attention to your own legitimate needs. Begin to fulfil your deeper needs for fun and satisfaction in all parts of your life, not just your love life. In addition to feeling better about yourself, you’ll be a lot more interesting to your lover.

♥ Renew and refresh your other relationships. While you are preoccupied with your lover, other important relationships are likely suffering. You need other people (more than one) in your life to love and support you in good times and bad. All these relationships require nurturing.

♥ Reclaim your autonomy. Autonomy doesn’t mean rugged self-sufficiency where you don’t need other people in your life. It refers to your capacity to act in your own best interests, independent of what you think your lover and others might think or need. Standing in your autonomy will give you a greater sense of balance and wellbeing. And it is inherently a lot more magnetic in love department.

♥ Respect your lover’s autonomy – their right to choose, You can’t control another person and, if you respect them, you don’t seek to control them. Respecting your lover’s autonomy also requires trust – trust in them and trust in yourself. Where there is no trust, there is no real relationship.

♥ Accept the relationship for what it is. Don’t overplay it or underplay it. It may be the relationship of a lifetime or might be a short-term affair. If it is of the short-term variety, then it still has value and the potential for much enjoyment. You can, if nothing else, see it as an opportunity to hone your relationship skills.