“There is no water as deep as denial” Anonymous
But denial of what? Usually reality or at least our perception of it. In other words, denying the way things are, the things we cannot change. Things like the weather, other people’s choices, the past.
And very often we find ourselves in deep denial of our present circumstances, including current challenges — physical, mental, spiritual and relational.
However, our state of denial around unpleasant facts is understandable, because acknowledging the way things are and dealing with the fallout is not easy.
But isn’t bit of denial useful at times?
“Never face facts; if you do, you’ll never get up in the morning.” Marlo Thomas
Of course, sometimes a touch of denial is helpful, even strategic. Sometimes we need to take a day off from our cares. Sometimes, we need to go on a mental holiday. That’s okay in my opinion. I know I need to take a short jaunt to Cloud Cuckoo Land from time to time.
But eventually you, me and all of us must face the facts. Eventually, we have to deal with what is, because to do otherwise is inviting disaster. We will no longer just be swimming in the waters of denial, we will be drowning in them.
Two Stories of Denial
“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.” Mark Twain
Phil’s story. Phil has been struggling with his body size for many years. He believes he’s just got a bit of a weight problem, which he just needs to get under control. He thinks that if he finds the right diet, he can fix his misbehaving body. Over the years, he has consulted dietitians, nutritionists, joined weight management programs and has even submitted to hypnotherapy. Diet pills and liquid diets haven’t worked either and have made things infinitely worse. His doctor informs him, that because he is morbidly obese, he is pre-diabetic and is developing co-related health problems, which will, if untreated, be fatal. Even more frantically, Phil continues to try to control his eating.
Teresa’s story. Despite everything she has tried to please her partner of some years; nothing has worked. Their union continues to be marked by high levels of conflict and pain. Teresa is a woman who prides herself for her cheery nature and positive attitude. She’s told herself that if she tries even harder to please him, if she ignores his behavior, things will go back to how they were at the beginning of their relationship. Even now, as the situation dramatically escalates toward violence, Teresa shows no sign of accepting the reality of where this relationship is headed.
Both Phil and Teresa have been swimming in the waters of denial for a very long time. But will they awaken to the truth and accept it in time? Or will they drown in those perilous waters? It is difficult to know.
But even in the moment of deepest despair, there is hope. There is possibility.
The Gift of Desperation
It is said that desperation is a gift.
Desperation comes into play when other solutions have failed and the only remaining option is to accept our current circumstances.
Thus, it is at the point of acceptance of what is, that desperation has the potential to become a catalyst for change.
And that is when another player enters the game. Her name is Serendipity – sometimes called Fate, Coincidence or a Gift of the Gods.
Serendipity is real game changer. She may point us toward a source of help we had not previously considered or she may shine a light on a path forward that we have never before seen or been willing to contemplate.
In Phil’s case, it may happen when he recognizes and accepts that no diet will ever fix him and he will never have control over his eating. Perhaps now he will make a decision to reach out to a program that treats food addiction.
In Teresa’s case, it may come about when she recognizes and accepts that she cannot change her partner’s behavior and that she is in grave danger. Perhaps now she will make a decision to seek protection and professional help.
You see, once we step out of the treacherous waters of denial and place our feet on the solid ground of reality and acceptance, all things become possible.
