Changing your world can be just a decision away…
So here’s what happened. I was on the first leg of a ‘round the world trip, asleep in my Tribeca NYC hotel room, anticipating my trip of more than 40 days with dread, worried about how I was going to manage this solo trip. Sure, I signed up for it. I set it for myself as a challenge – a way to break through the inertia and humdrum of quotidian life. But I was frightened that I couldn’t handle it. I was doing all the head miles – you know, the what-ifs and how-can-I-possiblies. I was driving myself mad with self-doubt and fear.
The Words That Woke Me Up
Of course, my thinking and my emotions were at odds with the beautiful New York late summer day that lay outside my hotel room. But there I was in an uneasy sleep, suspended in that twilight time somewhere between deep sleep and waking. In this not-fully-conscious state, some words came to me. Not my words, just words quietly spoken from I don’t know where:
“If you want something to change, then you have to change something.”
I sat up and thought, “Okay, that’s an odd idea, but I’ll work with it”. I wrote the words in my journal. Then I considered what I wanted to change and what I could do about it. What I wanted to change was my mindset. I wanted to feel positive and excited about this grand adventure I was embarking upon. I wanted to feel good about my life. I wanted to feel calm, strong, capable and resourceful.
My Thoughts & Feelings Were Out of Sync with Reality
Then I remembered something that one of my teachers often says. “Not everything we think and feel is true.” She was referring of course to the false beliefs we carry through life. I knew her words to be true at one level, but was seemingly unable to shift myself out of the black mood I’d created for myself. At the same time there was also something life-affirming in me that wanted to emerge. A desire to be liberated from the prison of my negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings.
However, in terms of the present moment, I knew how I wanted to be, to feel. But what could I do to change it? So I made a decision. That was to accept that the power to change things was within me and that all that was required was to do something different. So I committed to changing my thinking, attitude and behavior.
Changing My Behavior Changed Everything
The last part of that equation was the easiest to work on. I was going to do something different. Like get out of my room. Enjoy the day ahead. Get on the subway and go uptown. Explore Central Park. Listen to the music. Talk to people. Be expansive and friendly. Smile. Enjoy the sun. At first I didn’t want to do any of it. I preferred, in a strange way, the dark constructs of my mind, but I went along with the plan anyway. In the next days, I contacted friends and spent time with them. I went to see a couple of plays.
I reveled in the rainy evening that Manhattan served up to me on my last day there. Well, it was “Autumn in New York” or nearly. What could be better really?
Before too long I was feeling it – calm, strong, capable and resourceful. I was enjoying myself. I was feeling blessed that I had the opportunity to do this dreamed of travel. I was feeling the excitement of what lie ahead. And so I confirmed it to myself: the power was within me to create this change. I changed my behavior, then the rest of me caught up.
