“There’s just something about vampires that’s sexy. It’s the same reason why women go for the bad boy – you want them but you shouldn’t have them.” Nina Dobrev
Ah, the Bad Boy. Despite that he is “mad, bad and dangerous to know”, as Lord Byron, the ultimate Bad Boy, described himself, you are drawn to them despite the pain inflicted and the calamitous endings you experience.
No matter how much you try to please them, the less grateful they are. The harder you chase them, the more elusive they become. The less they want you, the more you want them. And then there is the fear – the fear of abandonment and the fear of letting them know what you truly need or feel in the face of their anger or indifference.
Even so, you go back for more, if not with that person, then with someone who is like them. Again, the relationship ends badly or fades into non-existence.
For the sake of argument, let’s call this dynamic a relationship pattern. And however distressing a pattern it is, it is likely quite addictive or moreish.
And this is for a variety of reasons – early experiences with parents and caregivers prominent among them. Through these young experiences, you probably have adopted some beliefs about yourself, life and others that were not true. These beliefs provide the underpinnings for this painful pattern in love.
For example, perhaps you came to believe that you aren’t worthy of love, that love with someone who loves you unconditionally and treats you well isn’t exciting enough, and that true intimacy in a relationship – allowing someone to get to know you warts and all – is impossible or fear-inducing.
However, there is a way out.
Step One – Take Your Power Back
Now this is important to come to grips with no matter how tough it sounds. However, the pattern began, you’re the one that perpetuates it through your beliefs and choices. Taking ownership of continuance of the pattern is the breakthrough moment, because by taking ownership you empower yourself to change it.
The next part of taking your power back is to understand that the pattern fulfills a need or serves a purpose, probably one that’s outside of your conscious mind. So, you’ll need to do some delicate digging to discover what’s underneath the pattern and the purpose it serves. Include in your search the beliefs that drive the pattern (beliefs about your worthiness, your desirability and so forth).
Step Two – Take Action
Having taken your power back, it’s time to act. So, I invite you to do the following:
♥ Uncover the ways that you’ve perpetuated the pattern. I refer to the specific behaviors and choices you’ve made in each Bad Boy relationship. For example, you might have ignored the danger signals. Or you might have given up your power in the relationship in any number of ways.
♥ Make a commitment to forever change the behaviors and beliefs that drive the pattern. Yes, draw that line in the sand and say unequivocally, “No more!”.
♥ Forget your relationship “type”. Begin to embrace the idea that your type maybe something or someone quite different than your default Bad Boy. Decide that your type from here on in is someone who truly loves and positively regards you, demonstrating that positive regard consistently through their actions.
♥ Decide that you are worthy of reciprocated love. This is your deepest truth. Write it down. And most importantly, absorb it into your very bones.
♥ Claim your healthy, legitimate needs in relationship and find the words to express to those needs. Practice speaking the words, so that you can fluently express them to important others.
♥ Identify at least one new way of being or action that will begin to break up the pattern then road test it in your relationships. For example, you might begin to express in respectful ways how you honestly feel and what you need to someone important to you. Or, if in the past, you ignored the trouble signals in a relationship, you begin to heed the warnings of your small inner voice.
Remember, any pattern can be changed. Suffering in relationships is not necessary.
And know this. Respectful relationships in which reciprocated love flourishes are truly moreish.
“I’ve done the bad-boy thing. It was fun for a good three months. But the thing about bad boys is, you have to keep in mind, you’re never gonna marry a bad boy.” Ariana Grande
