“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” St Augustine.
Interesting observation. But resenting the hell out of someone can be satisfying, even fun at times, don’t you think? After all, this person has offended you in some way (or you’ve decided that they have). Or they’ve achieved something that you envy or possess something that you desire.
So, of course, resenting others, at least in the short term, soothes your insecurities and makes you feel better about yourself. But, trust me, eventually carrying resentments in the long run will cause you more problems than it cures.
Here are some reasons why…
♦ Your resentments are a heavy burden to carry. They consume a lot of energy and block you from focusing on that which will really benefit you, like what you can do to make your life more fulfilling.
♦ Your resentments divert your attention away from the good people in your life who wish you well – those folks who really deserve your time and attention. These important relationships need nurturing to thrive.
♦ Your resentments have no real effect on the object of your poisonous thoughts. Most likely those people go about their lives oblivious of the negative vibes that you direct against them. It’s kind of like whistling in the wind.
♦ Your resentments are a handy dodge. They provide an excuse for you to not get on with your life, your goals and your dreams.
♦ Your resentments mask your fear of not enough-ness and/or a myriad of other not-good-enough fears. As Donald Hicks said, “At the heart of all anger, all grudges, and all resentment, you’ll always find a fear that hopes to stay anonymous.”
♦ Your resentments negatively affect your health. They cause stress which affects your mental and physical well-being.
♦ Your resentments can lead you into harm — for example, the harm inflicted by addictive behaviors. Those of us who are recovering addicts soon learn that holding resentments are the single worst thing that we can indulge if we wish to stay clean, sober and abstinent, because they provide an easy excuse to start using again, thus taking us back into substance-abuse hell.
So, let’s just say this about your resentments: they are a diversion from the main game which is improving your life and relationships.
If that’s the case, what do you do with your resentments?
Well, it’s time to do some gentle reflection to explore the purpose your resentments serve, because you can bet that they serve a purpose of some kind. Here are some things to consider:
♦ You could reflect upon what you’ve been avoiding – perhaps difficult feelings, conflicted relationships or life goals that you’ve given up on. You could then begin to take small steps to resolve or address what you’ve been avoiding.
♦ You could consider healthier ways to build your self-esteem and feel better about yourself. For example, you could complete a difficult task or take one step, even a small one, toward achieving a goal. You could do a kind turn for someone or seek the appropriate professional help to begin the process of healing your sense of self-worth.
♦ If you’re in recovery from addiction, you could work your program more diligently. You could find a sponsor to support your recovery. And you could reach out to help another addict.
♦ You could explore and name your fears. By giving those anonymous fears a name, you diminish their power. You could allow yourself to feel the fearful feelings without giving them the dodge. By allowing your feelings they will reduce in their intensity and fade away naturally. You could interrogate the reality of your fears (I’ll bet many are baseless or at least overblown). You could then take steps to address the real fears and discard the rest. And lastly, you could choose to replace fear with love by finding ways to be more forgiving, caring, kind and helpful and not just toward others, but also toward yourself.
