“I am making amends and seeking forgiveness. My only hope is that some good can come out of my situation.” Jayson Blair
Saying sorry just isn’t enough. It’s not nearly enough when our words or our behavior have harmed another person. What does go the distance is a decent amends, because it has the potential to repair any harm done and restore balance in a relationship.
You see, there is a difference in quality and kind between saying sorry and making an amends. The amends takes an apology to the next level. An amends is an attempt to repair the harm through compensation, restitution or some sort of redress for the hurt caused by poor or thoughtless behavior.
Amends Takes Different Forms
“It’s not a persons mistakes which define them – it’s the way they make amends.”
There are different kinds of amends. For example, we can make a sincere apology for our words or behavior, but to make them an amends, in the very least, the apology has to be followed with a commitment to not ever make a repeat of it.
Or we can make a heart-felt apology for something we’ve done that’s resulted in another person experiencing some sort of loss — for example, financial or material. When coupled with some form of restitution, like repayment of money or replacement or repair of goods or property, then we are making an amends.
And of course, the amends we most often overlook is the amends we need to make to ourselves. How we’ve let ourselves down. How we’ve given up our power in a relationship. How we’ve discounted our own worth. How we’ve not trusted ourselves. How we’ve unwisely placed our trust in unsafe people. Or how we’ve not honored our needs. So how can we begin to repair the harm we’ve done to ourselves? The amends would be to make a commitment to never, ever do that to ourselves again and to begin to put that commitment into action.
In short, an amends is an apology plus action.
Make the Amends Then Let Go of the Outcome
Even when we make the best possible amends, we can hope for forgiveness from others but we can’t expect it. However, an amends thoughtfully and reasonably skillfully executed can set the stage for creating mutual respect, appreciation and, yes, even forgiveness.
But how the other person responds is out of our hands. I’ve seen and experienced differing responses from the recipient of a sincere amends. There might be thanks, there might be some sort of admission of ownership on the other person’s part or the other person might respond with anger. Or there be no response at all. What is important is that we have cleared up our side of the street. We’ve done our best, then we let it go.
The Power of Amends
Making amends is a powerful way to repair harm done between people and restore relationships to balance. We could even call them a form of reparation.
But we are not talking court-ordered reparations, because in the realm of relationships, the only court that matters is the human heart.
