“Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures.” Edwin Louis Cole
One of the best things we can do for ourselves and for the people in our lives is to learn how to set healthy boundaries in our relationships.
We set boundaries with our demeanor, our words and our actions. Pia Mellody, the author of the Intimacy Factor, proposes that we cultivate talking boundaries and listening boundaries as the key to truly intimate relationships.
When we are unboundaried we speak to others in uncontained ways (a violation of the talking boundary) or we allow others to invade our boundaries with their words and actions (a violation of the listening boundary). So we learn to practice containment both in what comes out of our mouths and what we allow to go in through our ears.
It is a matter of awareness, skill, trust and confidence in ourselves that, firstly, we are worthy to set boundaries with others and, secondly, that we have a right to be safe in our relationships. At the same time, we are sensitive enough to respect others’ rights to also be safe in their relationships.
Self-Trust is Critical
“So few people listen to their own voice because they are taught not to trust it…” Tripsy South
Self-trust is the critical factor in knowing how and when to set boundaries with others.
Self-trust comes from remembering who we truly are and that we are more than capable of creating deep connections with others. It’s both our unvarnished truth and our birthright. We live this truth when we are stand in our power – when we are in that unwavering, deeply anchored state of knowing and owning our own worth.
Deep inside each of us is this truth: that we are okay. That it is okay to be expansive; it is okay to reach out and include others in our lives. It is okay to take the risk of putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes to experience or at least imagine how it is for them, and that doing so, it does not threaten our safety. It only enriches our lives and contributes to our growing compassion, wisdom and maturity.
Yes, we can set healthy boundaries and we can respect others’ boundaries and we can be expansive at the same time. Deep inside of us, where our true power resides, we know how to do this.
And, when we stand in our power, what we don’t know we are courageous enough to learn.
