“So, you’re a control-freak.” “Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.” Anastasia and Christian in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Christian Grey, in Fifty Shades of Grey, is the definitive control-freak. He is certainly successful financially but does he really get what he wants in life? Hard to tell. But we get the sense that Christian would see surrender as a sign of weakness and defeat. That surrender in any sphere of his life would be the ultimate fear trip for him.
While Christian may be an extreme example of the need to control, it is likely that there is at least a touch of the control-freak in all of us.
Surrendering anything – let’s say our control over a person, situation, or an outcome – is the last thing many of us want to do. We need to be in control because we fear the unknown. So our control attempts are all about ensuring the outcomes we think we can live with.
However, if we clearly examine the results of our efforts to control, we recognize that our efforts at control so often don’t work out. Other people are obstinate and do whatever they do despite our attempts to direct (or manipulate) them. And that old thing we call Life is pretty intransigent too – it ignores us and does its own thing. So, we become frustrated and even despairing.
Yet and despite all evidence that it doesn’t work and, despite all the self-development we’ve done and the very discernible ways we have changed for the better, we find ourselves snapping back to what feels like a default position of attempting to control things over which we have no control. And it’s a painful and, let’s face it, a futile way to live.
So, what to do about it?
The answer lies in the direction of surrender or in the words of the AA Serenity Prayer, “…accepting the things we cannot change…”. Yes, I know. The idea of surrender sounds like a nightmare. But don’t freak out quite yet.
Let’s start with two key definitions.
Self-will. Self-will can be defined as a “stubborn or willful adherence to one’s own desires or ideas”, which is what is involved when we try to control situations and people that really outside our purview.
Surrender. Surrender is the “act of stopping fighting, yielding or relinquishing something”. Surrender may signify defeat but it’s not necessarily a negative. It may just mean to stop fighting an unwinnable battle.
Two actions to take
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Hermann Hesse
Paradoxically, surrendering takes internal strength and equally paradoxically surrendering requires action.
The first action then is to make a decision to stop fighting/pushing/clinging on. Okay, that’s huge. I know. The second action is to take a first small step to begin the relinquishing process.
What might be a first small in step in doing a good surrender?
♦ It might mean staying silent instead of offering someone advice. It might mean stepping back and let others make decisions about their lives or…
♦ It might mean turning toward ourselves and getting to know ourselves and what we truly and deeply need including what we need to feel safe and secure in our own skin or…
♦ It might mean letting go of our expectations of ourselves and others or…
♦ It might simply mean keeping an open mind – so many wonderful things are possible when we let go of the outcome or…
♦ It might mean to stop fighting reality and just accept what is in this present moment.
We might not like doing any of this, but we could, as an experiment, road-test one surrender step and see what happens. How about for just five minutes or one day? We don’t have to do it forever. I’m sure it won’t kill us; it may even save us.
Eckhart Tolle invited us to “… Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”
Definitely an easier way to live. Think I’ll try it.
What about you?
